Have you put off gift shopping till the absolute last minute possible? Are you in a panic similar to the one of putting off journalism articles till the last second? Well fear no longer my fellow product of procrastination, as this Christmas gift guide will help you out more than you help your mom clean the house (which is very little, we both know it’s true).
- Did they say they didn’t want a present?
Well, grant their wish and give them nothing. The best feeling is to give, and the best thing to give is feelings. When they get disappointed that they didn’t get a present, simply point out that your presence is enough of a present in itself. The holiday spirit is on your side in this case, so take advantage of it. The ramifications of this may not be pleasant, so don’t be surprised when your somewhat irritated cousin shows up at your house without a present (or a $5 gift card if they’re feeling really generous). So just be cautious with this one as Aunt Lisa may be fuming when she doesn’t get the wrinkle free makeup set she requested.
- Cards are the best makeshift solution.
The best feeling after a birthday is when you get to open all the cards and scavenge for the crisp dollar bills awaiting you. This is what most people expect when they open a card, but you can easily slip in that old used Tim Horton’s gift card with nobody being the wiser. The best part about gift cards is no one knows if they’ve actually been used yet. Luckily for all of us penniless teens, we can stick old gift cards in holiday cards and make people think we spent 50 bucks on every person in the room when really the only reason we’re here is for the holiday dinner and the one gift that your mother got you. Basically, no one even knows if it’s a legitimate gift until they try to use it.
- Don’t show up.
Now gifts are nice, and you can only exchange them in person. This means that if you all of a sudden catch a *surprise* case of acute hepaglotimuterofudseriosis, whoever the gift is for will have to retreat because of the “highly contagious cough vapor” all over your house. Another way to cop out is to say that the car or whatever means of transportation has like caught or fire or something (i don’t know?). As well as all of the above, you could just hide out at your nearest grocery store overnight so no annoying (maybe concerned) family members come poking around your house. Again, don’t be surprised if you wake up the next morning to find an AMBER alert on TV because worried Uncle Dave called the police.
- Make it so no one even wants to exchange gifts with you.
One of the more bizarre solutions, show up right before the exchange looking like a washed up kids TV show star with ruffled hair ruined mascara. Add pyjamas and a solo cup filled with apple juice for extra effect. Once you achieve the look, start awkward conversations with people and yell every word you say. This will eventually make people think you are not worthy of their gift and their disdain towards your character will justify your decision of not giving them a gift. Beware however as relatives may continue to remember this character and not for who you really are, I mean c’mon you don’t wear mascara but the rest of the stuff is depressingly accurate. *cries in corner*
5 . Head over to 7-11
So far, this guide has been mainly about avoiding gifting, but if forced to get a gift, what do you do? Head to your nearest gas station and buy something cheap, a token of appreciation to show that you actually care about them. This can range from five dollar gifts to anywhere above that (but we can totally lie about the price).
All in all, just be sure to acknowledge your friends and family by giving them some sort of gift that shows appreciation and try to enjoy the holidays with them.