By: Jenna I.
The Christmas season is upon us, making the stores of our capitalist nation shove merchandise related to anything festive down our throats. A subtle version of milking the Christmas Cash Cow of the Christmas industry is producing Christmas music, as it is a highly popular part of the hyped up holiday, making it being literally played everywhere; at the 24 hour Shoppers Drug Mart when you have a late night Doritos craving, in your car on the way to school, and even at your grandmother’s sad Christmas party in which, though you are a teenager, you have to sit at the kids table. Obviously, it’s a widely loved “art”. Meaning that it is extremely profitable if you have a subpar voice and a knack to sing about Old Saint Nick himself. Plus, Mariah Carey gained 50 million off of her most popular song, All I Want for Christmas is You, so becoming filthy rich is also a bonus. So, if you want to make the best dang Christmas song since Jeff Foxworthy’s “Redneck 12 Days of Christmas” (actually, never mind, as not even the most legendary song could take the title that Jeff Foxworthy’s holiday classic has earned), follow these steps and you’ll be on your way to the bank to actually acquire 100 dollar bills instead of suddenly realizing you have 47 cents on your debit card.
Step 1: Find a Christmas Song
Since you’re just trying to gain profit, who needs originality? Steal someone else’s musical composition, buy the rights for the track off of someone on Craigslist for $10, and you’re set for life! You can pick any Christmas song you want, making this the most fun and easy step. Some options for songs you can pick are:
-Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
-Let’s All Have a Sexual Christmas Night
-This Christmas (I’ll Burn It to The Ground)
Yes, those are real Christmas songs.
Step 2: Have a Semi-Tolerable Voice
This one is harder to acquire as you cannot physically install a gifted voice in your body, but as long as you don’t sound like a swan with a hot dog shoved down its throat while you’re trying to communicate with a potential audience musically, it’ll be just fine, as auto tune can turn people who sound like Rick Astley after being punched in the nuts into Whitney Houston’s prime with a flip of a switch, click of a few keys, and the touch of the mouse. It may be a little bit more complicated than originally anticipated, but if an ape can operate an iPad, a human such as yourself with the mental capacity of an ape can operate a sound system with only small consequences, such as gouging your eyes out or losing all faith in humanity if you don’t get the results you desired when you started this in the first place.
Step 3: Buy a Microphone
This step is really easy. That’s about it. Just buying a microphone. Done.
Step 4: Record Your Song
Now, using the three steps above, (using your voice, microphone, and backing track) you can record your song to the best of your abilities to hopefully not produce the musical embodiment of the reason why the East hates the Western world. If you didn’t catch on, they hate us because we make extremely terrible music, let alone Christmas music that anyone with a wallet and a recording device can produce. Just to ruin your day, if you didn’t already know, the Duck Dynasty boys made a song. The cast of the hit show about a redneck family doing nothing productive whatsoever made a Christmas song. Look it up. If that isn’t motivation to earn lots of money from a repetitive one-season track, I don’t know what is.
Step 5: Post it on iTunes
Using the tips for the reptilian illuminati princess herself, Taylor Swift, you know that you can only post your music to iTunes and iTunes only. As she herself said years ago, you shouldn’t put music on Spotify because they “don’t pay you enough,” in which Taylor classified millions of dollars to be a very equally comparable thing to a tonne of horse manure. And, as you want to earn as much money as possible, that just won’t cut it for your operation, little apprentice. Meaning you have to take the Tim Cook approach: deal with Apple. Just iTunes though, no Apple Music, as that doesn’t pay very well either. And since you want to be wealthier than the British royal family after this hit, no corporate giant such as Apple should “scam” you of extra money, no sirree.
Now that you have done all of those tips, your song is 100% guaranteed to be #1 on the Billboard charts (for your millennials, that is a number sign, not a hashtag), and this is definitely not a scam whatsoever.