How To Be The Coolest House On The Block At Halloween


Ohm S.

You finish your amazing pumpkin, eyes carved, insides empty and glossed orange. “It’s amazing” you think as you step outside to unveil the masterpiece. Narrowly missing, you capture a fleeting glimpse of your acquainted neighbor’s lawn; LED gravestones, scary sounds and pumpkins everywhere. Depressed, you stare at your “masterpiece” of a pumpkin as you hold back the tears. We’ve all been there before. Everyone wants to be the coolest house on the block at halloween, whether it be for street cred with “yo homies” or personal satisfaction, there are a few simple ways to up your spook game this Halloween.

  1. Splurge on full sized candy bars (No really, this is the most important part)

As an experienced specialist, I can validate that full sized candy bars outweigh all other decorations or flashy things about a house. Sugar is the main motivation for children to step out of their tombs that are their rooms into the cold barren wastelands of the Calgarian streets. Being the main motivator, the more sugar kids receive, the more street cred you instantly gain amongst your neighborhood. Full sized candy bars aren’t the cheapest, but you gotta do what it takes on the streets. Think about it like this: More Candy = More Cred.

  1.  Hide on your front porch to scare the living hell out of innocent looking children

The saying goes “Trick or Treat”, so why not go for a trick once in awhile? The first part of this crucial tactic is target selection. A group of teenagers might not be a prime opportunity as they will most likely punch and then ridicule you for even trying the jump scare. Now that’s generally considered a bad thing but hey, nobody’s stopping you. Another example of when this might not be effective is when an 80+ year old grandmother is going around taking little Billy trick or treating. Now, unless you would appreciate an eighty year old grandmother having a heart attack and a 3 year old in tears, who also probably pooped his pants, I would suggest doing the wise thing here and just going for the treat. However, when you see the lone 10 year old, who just took a handful of candy from your annoying neighbor, prepare the jumpscare. Put on your scream mask and hide in that cheap cauldron while they wait to ring the doorbell. Jump up and yell “TRONALD DUMP ACTUALLY HAS A CHANCE” and that phrase alone will send them running for the hills. If it is anyone over the age of 20, screaming “TAXES” will also suffice.

  1. Make the encounter sweet and simple.

Like this sentence.

  1.           Pets = Points

Everyone likes pets, whether it be your man eating lizard or a simple goldfish. Animals are instant cool points with all the pet lovers. A well tamed animal is the best idea, as he can come forwards for the pet lovers and stay back for the uncultured people that dont like animals. Also, cuteness is the number one factor with animals. A cute puppy will get more noticed and appreciated than the bulldog chewing your slippers behind you.

  1. *Try* to make compliments about the outfits of other people.

Everyone likes to be complimented, even you, (you look amazing btw) so try to satisfy that need for positive attention through some sort of compliment about how their outfit is unique. Just saying “cool outfit dude’ will not get as much ”cred” as “I like how you used a trash bag for your cosplay of Hillary Clinton”; uniqueness strikes a chord with most people out on Halloween. So use those skills you were forced to learn in grade 2 and formulate some amazing compliments that aren’t “I like your shirt” and “that’s a mediocre costume.”

  1.  Make puns as frequently as possible.

Everyone likes puns, and everyone likes to hear them. Use this to your advantage when exploiting the appealingness of puns to the human species. For example, you can carve the pi symbol into a pumpkin and voilà you now have a  pumpkin pi. You could tape a bunch of nickels to your back and dress up as Nickelback, you could even say “what do demons have for breakfast? Deviled eggs.” Continue to make as many puns as possible and you will gain popularity instantly.

To conclude, making puns, full sized candy bars, jumpscares and pets will all help you climb out of the depths of bad Halloween decor and horrible reputation. So get yourselves out there and become the true Halloween enthusiasts you were all born to be. Also, don’t forget to show up your overconfident neighbor with his LED tombstones.




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