How to Pumpkin Spice (almost) Anything

Jake B.

Fall is upon us, and teenage girls everywhere rejoice over the return of the pumpkin spice latte. Oh, that wonderful artificially flavored drink. This is for those who cannot find the willpower to stand in a line with many “OMGing” girls, or will be ashamed to enter a Starbucks without a phone. Behold, the guide for pumpkin spicing anything.

Alright, let’s start with the basics. Toothpaste. Simple right? The first thing you want to do is grab yourself some sugar-free, non GMO, lactose free, gluten free, double friend zone, and extra Ugg pumpkin. You have to keep your teeth clean and healthy. After you spend half your life finding nature’s miracle, take the top off and remove as many seeds as you can. Find a knife and get those seeds cut up as small as possible. Size really matters here. After you have finished that, get yourself a tube of your favorite toothpaste that could use a bit more flavor. Open it, and carefully insert those seeds you just cut up. Massage it gently for about half an hour and voila. You have pumpkin toothpaste! But you thought we were done, oh no no no. This toothpaste actually has incredible health benefits. Those little tiny pieces of pumpkin, remember when the instructions told you that the size really did matter? If you cut your pumpkin seeds up a small as you were supposed to, then you will have little tiny plants cleaning your teeth for you while you brush. Amazing right? The increased surface area of those little beads in the toothpaste will clean your teeth almost twice as fast! Boom, one done, many more to go.

With the election looming in on us, many need to relieve a little bit of stress. It just so happens that pumpkins do an exceptional job of this. First, you will need to gather up a few mini pumpkins; they should just fit in your hand. Next, print off a picture of your favorite (or least favorite) politician and tape that awesomeness to a wall you don’t mind destroying. The next step is simple. Grab those fun-size pumpkins and hurl them right at your personal public enemy #1.

Screenshot_20161024-094511.pngPumpkin Spicy

Unfortunately, Pumpkin Spice Lattes average at about $5 bucks a pop. For those too cheap to go to Starbucks, there is still a way. If you make your own coffee, make some right now. If you have a pumpkin, smash it right now. It doesn’t matter how, just smash it. Once your coffee is done its brew, pour a generous amount into a mug. Pick up all of the pumpkin that you smashed and squish as much as you can into the mug. Drink up!

Now for the final trick of the night. You all wanted it. How to pumpkin spice a pumpkin. This took some research. Hah, just kidding, there is no research on how to pumpkin spice a freaking pumpkin. But for the brave, grab A PUMPKIN. Yes, that’s right. More pumpkins. But for this trick, you need TWO! Outstanding. Now this next step may confuse some of you, so just try and understand it. You want to take both of the pumpkins and cut open the tops of both at the same time with the same knife. That way, absolutely no gluten gets in. Next, take all of the inners from one of the pumpkins, and place them in a bowl. Then empty the other pumpkin’s insides into the hollowed out one. Finally, put the pumpkin guts that are in the bowl into the second pumpkin. Now take a super sized blender (look it up) and blend both pumpkins together. Don’t ask why. You would be wasting valuable time which you could spend drinking this nasty concoction.

It is very understandable that the items shown in this article are not anywhere near to “anything.” Our human bodies can only take so much of a beating. This article was written without any first-hand experience, it came purely from the writer’s amazingly smart brain. That being said, you may not want to try this at home, (unless you have a fifty liter blender, then go for it.) Or you could just bite the bullet and go to a Starbucks. It’s all up to you.

Image Credit:

NBC News

Michael Phillips/Getty

 

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