How to Get in a Relationship (For Clueless Teens)


It’s not stalking, it’s intense research

Debadrita C.

Year after year, you watch February 14 pass by uneventfully. Your one true love still believes either you’re a foreign exchange student” or you’re [insert Asian doppelganger’s name here]. Yes, you are completely in love with that person. No, you haven’t actually had more than ten words of meaningful conversation with that person, beyond the muttered “mflyou’re shcute mflgh”. Welcome to 5 simple-concept, minimum-effort, and fail-safe steps to finally get that one true love falling in love with you. Level of difficulty, legality, and effectiveness is placed in ascending order. 

  1. Try being yourself

Ha, kidding. This is clearly not going to work, so please proceed to step two.

  1. Dig up some dirt on the target (your crush) and then proceed to blackmail

As a wise person once said on the Wikipedia of love that is Tumblr, “Stalking is a strong word. I prefer ‘intense research.’ ” Past crushes, proof of weird interests, several printed copies of their browser history – get the target exactly where you want them. This is a thorny path, so tread cautiously. Most people don’t appreciate being blackmailed and you may garner intense dislike and mild fear from your target. Be careful how you approach your target with the information, as well. In addition, Westmount students in particular embrace their niche interests to the point of insanity, which makes exploitation difficult.

If the target is one of those annoyingly perfect types with no dirt, it’s all right…

  1. Use a love potion

The ingredients are so obvious, plentiful and commonplace that your intelligence need not be insulted by listing them here. If you really are stumped: boil unicorn eyelashes, fast school Wi-Fi, and one of Justin Trudeau’s beautiful flowing locks together for a good and easy start. According to ninth grader and resident recluse Fungnam N., “the blood of 10 000 virgin rabbits would [also] work.”

The more virgin rabbits, the better. Note that love potions only work if your target is currently not in a relationship. In that case, don’t sweat it:

  1. Dispose of their significant other and disguise yourself as the boyfriend/girlfriend

Finding a wickedly good costume for this is key, as you are essentially going to get rid your target’s beloved and place yourself firmly in the vacant spot without anyone noticing that you are, in fact, not your target’s boyfriend or girlfriend. Making sure the target doesn’t notice the difference is crucial.

At this point in time it may become necessary to enlist a few friends for help; as demonstrated by Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express, the more the merrier. Do ensure that you can trust your accomplices. This avoids having to deal with more than one case of first-degree murder accusations later. One way to effectively incapacitate a Westmount student would be to give them a multiple choice test, just to lull them into a false sense of security, and then hit them with the word problems, and then lock them in an enclosed space. The person should die of stress within a few hours.

  1. If all else fails, just cut to the chase and tell your crush how you feel.

In preparation for this: guys, bring flowers (preferably your crush’s favourite). As clichéd as it is, it has the best chance of working. Would you turn down flowers from a moderately okay-looking person? Girls, you can try flowers, too, but it has a slightly lower chance of working because teenage guys (assuming they are the target) are very conscious of how macho they appear. Receiving pink daisies may cause them to have a panic attack from fear of losing their extreme manliness.

On a slightly more serious note, approaching your one true love with honesty and optimism is the only thing anyone can do in the end. After you are invariably rejected, you will be pleasantly surprised by the fact that your sexually frustrated teenage self is capable of finding a new true love in less than two and a half seconds. After all, as ninth grader Grayson aptly sums up, having relationships in mid-high school is “a waste of time” – and who better than teenagers to spend all of their time wasting it? Go get ‘em, you starry-eyed idiot.


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