Full of Green, Yellow, Red and even Black!
A Satirical Summary of the Greatest Canadian Football Cup in Canada
By: Matthew Wu
If you don’t already know, the Edmonton Eskimos were awarded the prestigious Grey Cup after defeating the Ottawa Redblacks 20-26 on November 29th. Both teams made extraordinary plays, but throughout the action, you might’ve missed some of the juicy details that happened around the field (such as the pertinent role Morgan Freeman played). But don’t fret, simply click “read more” and you will be brought up to speed on last Sunday’s extravaganza known as the Grey Cup.
In the first quarter, the game opened with quarterback McCarty hiking the ball to Robinson. Now you had to watch close here to see what happened, because Robinson faked a throw, but in fact actually handed off the ball back to McCarty. If you missed this, I wouldn’t blame you. The fake was so good that all cameras followed the “apparent” trajectory of the ball if it had been thrown, not to mention the entire Redblacks team fell for it and started sprinting away from where the ball actually was. The Redblacks just gave up the play after that, and Robinson was able to walk the ball to a touchdown.
Though no points were scored in the second inning, something did happen that sparked some controversy. After his run in the Blue Jays team, Bautista decided to try his luck in the CFL as an Eskimo. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to do much, as aboriginal peoples rights (including Eskimos) were suppressed, and since he was an Eskimo, Bautista was forced to stay in the reserved area of the field which consists of the far left end of the bench to the middle of the bench. He was not allowed much of his native territory on the right side of the bench. This drew many complaints, but the CFL only paid back Bautista $5 compensation.
In the third inning, the Redblacks were able to put some points on the board. Just when it looked like the Eskimos were going to score another touchdown, Stephen Curry intercepted the ball and threw it all they way across the court, miraculously scoring what technically is a 3-pointer but really deserves more.
The score remained 3-7 in favour of the Eskimos throughout the 4th and 5th innings, but things started to heat up in the 6th inning. Both teams pulled out some big name players. The Eskimos put on my boy Kobe, who was up against Gretzky. (Not Wayne Gretzky mind you, his brother Keith Gretzky.) It was dunk after slap shot after dunk. There was just too much going on in this inning for me to be able to explain everything in detail, but when the dust settled, the score was 17-20 in favour of the Eskimos.
In the 7th inning, Wayne Gretzky managed to score a measly 2 points for the Redblacks, dwarfed once again by his brother. The Eskimos pulled ahead just barely, with Tiger Woods scoring 3 points. Though most analysts agree that he had at least 10 perfect opportunities to score, but the only points Woods obtained were when he was physically pushed over the line. Twice by a teammate and once by a Redblack, who had been pushed by an Eskimo. When asked to explain himself, we found out that he still hasn’t fully recovered from some delusions that developed from his golfing career. For some reason, he tries to get the LOWEST possible score. (Flipping amateur.)
In the 8th inning, things got really tense. Both teams tightened up the defensive line, with the Redblacks even bringing in Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali to intimidate and demoralize the Eskimos. However, the combined efforts of Ronaldo and Messi managed to break through the lineup twice, bringing the score to 19-22, in favour of the Eskimos.
Even with their lead, everybody was exhausted, and the last inning looked grimmer by the second for the Eskimos. But coach Morgan Freeman wasn’t going to give up quite yet. In a group huddle, it is said he brought tears to the eyes of his players, tediously putting eye-drops into each individual’s eyes. Suddenly, their vision cleared, being able to see blue, white, purple, and not just red and black. With new found morale, the Eskimos relentlessly attacked the Redblack’s defensive lineup, managing to break through using the colours of yellow, green, and blue (removing the REDBLACKS advantage). The Redblacks were only able to score 1 point from what was expected to win them the game, putting the score at 20-25.
And finally, to close things off, a signature play was run by the Eskimos, some of you may have recognized it. First, with a simple wave of the hand, he turned himself blue and green, rendering him invisible to the Redblacks. When it looked like the Redblacks were about to score a touchdown, which would win them the game, John Cena came out with an RKO out of nowhere, stealing the show and scoring the final point, claiming a 20-26 victory for the Edmonton Eskimos, and winning the 2015, CFL, Grey Cup!!!